Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy