No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.