Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.