my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*