What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them