Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.