me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.