People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.