The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.