If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters