“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels