People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
The Punning Dead.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW