doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons