*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
My five year plan is a meteorite
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
i actually laughed 😩
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”