If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
How do you like your Corgi?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph