What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.