i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED