I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.