If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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nice challenge
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”