boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
ready to be harvested
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Not today
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.