Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.