Running from your problems is cardio .
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
motivation
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
No, I don’t think I will.