There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My boss called in sick of me
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now