Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.