One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.