Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”