No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
when you order from DoorDastardly
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat