BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
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Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Why font matters.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey