“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
time machine? you mean a clock?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.