1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no