Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy