Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
same vibe as tangled headphones
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Natural selection at its finest
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
the best thing i’ve ever made
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.