Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
(True)
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
figuring out my emotional availability:
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.