When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
dude it’s called proctologist
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute