My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
You Might Also Like
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.