Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no