Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Rooting for the overdog
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.