Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Boating season is upon us.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes