“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids