“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview