I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.