Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Me redecorating every room in my mind
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.