Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Milk Cube
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.