Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Succinctly put.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
#growingpains
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.