Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.