Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.