HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
The news
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Beware of the dog..
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
January has been Januweary
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.