She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.