You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario