“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
No Google it does not
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Happy birthday to all the women
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying